Assertive Woman or She-Devil?

“Well-behaved women rarely make history.” - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Yesterday, I met with a woman who is by all accounts bright and successful, yet in our conversation, it became apparent that she was struggling to be assertive and get her needs met, in her own business.   Rather, she was anxious and confused in her decision making as she simply wasn’t getting clarity from a colleague.

As we talked and I then talked to some others, I realized this is not an isolated event. While I’m sure some men may struggle with this, as well, it does seem to be more prevalent in women.  I think of the recent comments by Sheryl Sandberg who, despite her amazing success and influence, admitted that when offered her current job as COO of Facebook, she did not initially negotiate the terms.  It was only at the urging of her husband that she finally did so.

As I talked to some other women, one trend became clear.  We struggle with knowing how to get our needs met by being assertive yet not being seen as overly aggressive or be labeled a Witch with a “B”.  So often, we just don’t ask and assume others will give us what we need or deserve. Is this not what Sheryl Sandberg was ready to do when she was not negotiating, simply assuming that what she was offered was what she deserved? Or, when really frustrated we can get angry and we do become aggressive or take it over the line?

The big question is, how do we walk up to the line of assertiveness without going over?

First, let’s look at the difference between assertiveness and aggression. Aggressiveness is characterized by an inclination to behave in an actively hostile fashion. It often assumes that one is right and the other is at fault and has a underlying desire to control another. To be assertive is “to state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority.” or “behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance, or power, and earns you respect from others.”

The best summary I can share is; assertiveness means standing up for one’s self without walking over other people. I think this works for women, as it can be inclusive of a natural tendency to be caring and the important issue of getting our needs met.

Now that these two concepts are defined, what do we actually do?

As I worked with my friend, yesterday, it became clear that she was not really clear on what she needed, to make her decision. So, first:

Do your homework.  Get your own clarity. Be sure you know what you are asking for and why.

Assume the other is willing to hear you.  Most people are not intentionally trying to confuse or frustrate you. Give them the benefit of the doubt until they don’t deserve it.

Then…

Practice. Write out the questions you need answered. Be concrete and be sure you are clear. Make a list of what you need to make a decision or get a larger need met. If you are really struggling, ask a friend to hear you out and let you role play with them.

Be factual: State your questions or needs as facts.  You have a right to ask for your needs and to take charge of those needs.  You are not begging or pleading. For example:

“I’m very interested in this proposal.  To make a decision I need to know what you are going to need from me and when you will need it.”

or:

“In order to make this decision, I need these answers by the end of business on Friday.”

Repeat! Often, especially if you have had a less than assertive pattern with someone, you may need to calmly repeat your questions or state your need.  The other may struggle to be clear in their responses.  The important thing is to remain assertive without becoming frustrated or demanding.

This past Friday, women around the world celebrated International Women’s Day.  There was a great deal of talk of equality, empowering and women’s rights. I also heard speeches on standing in our own light, recognizing our power and right to be – simply be. And, just his morning, on one of the popular news shows, there was discussion on why more women are not in more positions of power. Sheryl Sandberg, COO at Facebook has recently written a book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead   where she explores what is keeping women from rising to the highest echelons of power. This mother of three and amazing business woman has observed:

And, yes, I agree with everything I heard and I really do believe that as women we need to assert our confidence and abilities and not shrink from them. Despite some detractors of Sandberg, who think she is giving advise that is not realistic to the average woman, I do agree that, too often, we don’t stand up for ourselves, as we can and need to do.  And, I also really believe it doesn’t need to be huge acts, such as Sandberg has accomplished but can start with smaller, every day actions.

So here’s a question to get us started:

Why do we continually apologize for simply existing or being who we are? 

Both during and right after some wonderful presentations, this past Friday, I heard women apologize for things that do not require, in any way, an apology. Right there, in an event about women’s power! During one talk, an amazingly brave woman who was sharing some very difficult and stressful times, became teary – appropriately teary – most of us in the audience had our own makeup compromised. And, she apologized for her tears.

Then, as I was making my way through a throng of women, I squeezed past one woman, brushing her lightly and guess what – she apologized for being there – just for being where she was! She hadn’t stepped on me or pushed me. She was just standing there. If we don’t stop apologizing for being just who we are, how do we stop apologizing for the larger choices we make that are right for us, but may get criticized by others?

I’ve noticed this before and thought about it, yet it seemed so glaring, at an event where, we, as women, are talking of how to claim our power, to stand in our own light and let it shine.  So let’s think about it:

• How can we do this?
• How can we expect others to respect our power, our rights or simply respect us, when we so easily apologize for things that require no apology?

My challenge to you is to see how often you do this and, please, work to stop it and when you see another women doing it – apologizing for no reason point it out.

I’m struggling where to start and end with this message. I have a message to share, yet
am careful not to overstate or exaggerate and, still, I think the message is one of
importance.

There seems to be some tendencies I’ve been observing for some time now and are reallyquite annoying, in their selfishness and lack of consideration. It certainly doesn’t lead to a great sense of civility.

The first is failure to respond or, even worse, responding without commitment. I was recently talking to a friend who had sent invitations to her daughter’s wedding.  Several people had not bothered to respond, so she now had to call each to get their answer. Now this invitation was sent with a self-addressed, stamped response card.  How much time and effort would it take a person to return this and save someone, who already has much to do, one less thing?  To quote my grand daughter, who is being raised with good manners – “How Rude!”

Awhile back, a woman who created and runs a wonderful small business group,
planned a networking lunch. The event location charges a per person fee. If someone
responds as attending and doesn’t show up, the fee is still charged. Unfortunately,
several people did this and the organizer was stuck paying for them. I realize this can
be rectified by having each person pay prior to the event. What bothers me is that
people would respond and then simply not show up – no notice, no explanation, etc. Is it
just me, or is this just rude?

If this were only one incidence, I might not be addressing it. However, I put on an event
some time ago and I had 10 positive response and only 3 people showed up. I didn’t pay per person so I wasn’t out of much money. I did, however, plan for enough coffee and pastry – thus giving quite a bit away, at the end. I also spent a good amount of time
being sure to have enough hand outs and materials for everyone. So, in this case it
wasn’t just money but time, as well.

And then there are times when there’s no money cost but time costs. I was talking to a
friend who’d agree to help another with some last minute things she needed for a
project – something she would normally charge for. My friend set aside a good part of
her weekend to be available. Not only didn’t this other person, not follow up on her
request, she never called to say she did not need these services. Again, “How rude!”

Is it really that difficult to understand that if you say you’re going to be somewhere and
for some reason, you can’t be there, that you give the person expecting you a heads
up?

What is it about our current culture that allows this type of behavior to be so common? Are people really so busy they can’t return a phone call or a quick e-mail – even if that e-mail is to let the other person know you will contact them at a later date, if one really is that busy – or perhaps doesn’t have the appropriate answer, at the moment.

Is it the casual atmosphere of the internet thus creating a less than personal
connection? Or are people just getting lazy and RUDE?

This is just one of the things I’ve been noticing that is impacting positive civility. I don’t
know about you but I find it irritating when I’m speaking to someone on the phone and
its apparent they are busy doing something else, at the same time. Am I not important
enough to get your full attention? And, let’s not forget the person you are actually with
who spends almost as much time on their phone as they do talking to you. I know I may
be a bit “old” in that I remember when we called someone and if they didn’t answer, you
actually had to call back – yes, even before answering machines. And, yes, I like the
conveniences of today’s technology. But…I also know that there are few things that are
so important that one needs to answer every phone call or every text, despite being with a friend, being in a restaurant or simply being in public where the rest of the world is just not all that interested in someone else’s private life.

So, tell me. Am I really as “old fashioned” as some might think or am I on to something
in thinking these things are, as I shared earlier,  “How Rude!”?

Have you heard this quote from a John Lennon song?

“Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.”?

I love this because it is so amazingly real! I know it has been for me. I’ve had my life figured out. In fact, I’ve had it figured out several times.

I had it figured out when I entered my first marriage, which did not last. I had it
somewhat figured out, when my parents suddenly and tragically died.
Each time I had it figured out, life, has made plans I hadn’t counted on.
About nine years ago, I thought I finally had it all together. I was
engaged to be married, to my soul mate, my life partner and my best
friend.  We had plans; lots of plans. One of those plans was for me to quit
my full time job and do what I’ve wanted to do – speak, train and coach!

Again, life intervened. Ten weeks before our marriage, my darling Keefe
was taken from me, in an auto accident, involving bad weather and black
ice.

My entire life was turned upside down. Now, I’m not generally the kind to give up. In fact, when confronted by resistance, I often dig in my heels and get quite stubborn.
However, in this case, I came close, more than once, to giving up; my
dream of my own career and even my dream of a happy future.

Fortunately, I have friends and particularly a daughter, who was wise
beyond her years, who didn’t see this as acceptable. With their
encouragement and support (and occasional loving kick in the butt), I started to see choices.

CHOICES! Here’s the important word and why I’m sharing this story.  We all have choices and we make them every day! The biggest challenge is to recognize your choices and to make the ones that are best for you, at that given moment.

Yes, I’m confident that most have found themselves in situations where their best plans have been waylaid by life.  It can be overwhelming. It can feel like the death of dreams.  And, yes some dreams may have been altered or even ended. However, the loss of one dream does not need to be the end of dreaming.

You still have CHOICES, even if your first choice is not on the list.

This sense of “shift” happening doesn’t have to be as extreme as losing a partner. It could be losing a job, deciding to change a job – yes, even chosen changes can be challenging.  Heck, I know some women, in particular, who find changing hairstylists to be highly anxiety producing.  Perhaps, that’s an entirely different article, for a later date.

Let me give you an example of a man I used to work with.  He hated his job.  Just ask him, he’d tell you.  In fact, he’d tell you even if you didn’t ask him.  I frequently heard from him, “I hate this job.”  When asked why he was still there his response was “I have no choice.” No choice? How sad!  Ultimately, it became clear that he didn’t think he could make the same money somewhere else so felt trapped.  Well, he had a choice.  He could have lived on a bit less. His wife could have taken a part time job or they could take one less vacation a year.  He had choices! However, his first choice was not on the list and he was unable to see any other choices as viable. 

Again, how sad!

There is always a choice!

For me, there were really two main choices. I could choose to be miserable (perhaps the easy way out and many would not have blamed me). Or, I could take the gifts of a
great and empowering relationship and create a life. Perhaps, it won’t be
the life I’d initially planned but it can still be the life that I choose to make
it.

This is the choice that I decided on. Out of this insanity, came clarity, so strong, that I’ve added to my passion a need to share what I’ve discovered.

For the above mentioned man, well he continued to make no choice – which is actually, in and of itself, choosing to stay stuck.  The last I heard, he was still at this job and is likely still miserable and making those around him a bit miserable too.

There is always a choice!

It may not be a first choice or the one we’d hoped for. When we believe there is no
choice at all, we cease to thrive and at best, simply survive. I choose to THRIVE! I hope when you are faced with that next, perhaps overwhelming challenge, that unexpected loss or U-turn in your plans, you are willing to explore your options and choose the one that will put you back on a path to thriving!

Some tips for coping with the “Shift” in your life:

• Borrow someone else’s logic. Let’s fact it. When we are overwhelmed, logic tends to be the first thing to leave us.  I know it was that way for me.  I needed my friends and particularly my daughter, to bring that logic back to me.  They were able to think in ways that were simply evading me.

• Cry!  Yell! Be sad. Be angry. Go ahead! Let it out! Sometimes we need a good cry to clear our systems out. Most importantly, be real.  So often we think we have to be tough when toughness is just not realistic.

• Focus on the positives.  No, this won’t always be easy and you will, perhaps, need to be very mindful in doing so. The loss will outweigh the positives if you don’t work at it.

• Figure out what matters. No you can’t change what has happened. You can’t go back no matter how much you want to. You can set new priorities and new goals once you’ve figured out what’s most important to YOU!

• Choose to say NO! Say No to those around you who bring you down. Say NO to those that heap pity instead of help on you.  Say NO to your own negative thoughts. Not easy but well worth it once you’ve practiced a bit.

• Finally, Create a new story for yourself.  Be the hero/heroine of your story–not the victim.  You are NOT a victim.  You are a powerful and loved human being–don’t forget that.

So, when Shift Happens, what choice will you make?

Here we go!

2012 has turned to 2013! 

At the end of one year, there is much written about looking back, reviewing the year just past and learning from it.  And, yes, taking an inventory of the recent past can be very helpful. However, contrary to this general thinking, sometimes, one needs to look forward before looking back.

Think about how often we spend time, ruminating or trying to rewind our lives, trying to figure out what went wrong. How? Why? Who’s fault is it?

Let’s face it. Many people are struggling right now, in many ways.  A phrase I’ve been hearing lately is “How did I get here? or “How did this happen to me?”  In fact, a friend who lost her corporate job some time ago and is fearful of losing unemployment soon, asked this today.  Well, since she is moving toward a potential financial crisis, spending a lot of time exploring how she got here doesn’t seem nearly as important, right now, than figuring out where to go next. Exploring her options in the job market or in her living situation is most important. Getting to a safe space is imperative. Then, from that safe space, she can take the time to explore the path she took to create the problem to start with.

Let me share an example.  Several years ago, I was traveling from Long Island to Brooklyn. I had GPS and thought I knew exactly where I was going. Well, there was a glitch and I ended up under the Brooklyn Bridge, at night, in an area that did not look very inviting.

Let’s see, is this the time to stop the car, get out the map and figure out where the mistake was?  Would it be productive  to spend time or energy blaming my GPS? Or, is this the time to figure out how to get the heck out of there and somewhere safe?  So, I used the GPS to find anything that looked safe – in this case a Starbucks.  Then, and only then, did I take the time to figure things out. And, yes, if I were going to take this trip again, I would want to go back and be sure not to make the same mistake again.

If one is in a bad relationship, it’s time to get out. It’s not time to spend hours on a psychologists couch figuring out why you were in the relationship to start with while you remain miserable or even in danger.  If one can’t make a car payment, it’s time to find a way to make some money, now!  This is not the time to sit and figure out where you spent the money while your car is repossessed.

This can apply to business as well.  How often have you seen a team sit around, way too long, figuring out who was at fault for a problem as opposed to focusing on a solution and implementing it.

Yes, once I was safe, it might be important to figure out where I went wrong and avoid doing this again.  Yes, the person in a bad relationship, likely needs to spend some time exploring things so this pattern is not repeated. And, yes, the person who is unable to pay an important bill, needs to make plans so this doesn’t happen again.  Even the team who has a problem, may want to take some time to review the problem for future options.

How did I get here?  What the heck happened?  Yes, these are important questions to be addressed at the appropriate time.  The important point here is the appropriate time!  And, In the midst of a serious problem is not likely to the the appropriate time.

Solutions first – explanations later!  

Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal.  It’s a way to live.  ~Attributed to Jacqueline Winspear

It seems that at this time of year, this quote speaks for itself. Grace is defined in many ways but the two I like best are:

(1) A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.
(2) Disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency

When put this way, we can all be graceful, everyday. Simple acts of kindness are easy and when practiced become unconscious and that’s when we are really finding grace in our lives.  We’ve all heard some people called graceful, which can simply mean a physical presence which is not the same as a person we describe as having grace. A person with grace is one who is innately generous of spirit, not necessarily of possessions. There is another saying that it’s not what you do or what you say, it’s how you make someone feel that will be remembered. A person of grace will make others feel good in a way that will be remembered for a long time.

Of course there are those large acts of kindness that get attention.  This may be from someone with grace.  However, it’s those small acts of courtesy – those that are noticed only by the receiver that are most remembered.   While often these acts come from friends or family, the ones that may be most impactful are those that come from complete strangers. A simple smile or saying thank you, for the small things others do for you, can make someone else’s day. It can be easy to forget. How often have you held a door for someone and they simply walked through without so much as a word?  Yet, how much better do you feel when that person takes the time to say a sincere thank you – to really notice that you did something nice.  Yes, you showed grace by holding the door and they showed equal grace by acknowledging your act.

And, yes, this example is a very small thing.  But think of the large impact it would have if each one of us did one small thing at a time. Looking back at the quote, at the top of the page, how great would it be if this became a way of life, instead of something that needed to be thought of and talked about?

So, please let’s all think about acting with grace, not only during this holiday season but  everyday.  The world will be just a bit brighter.

Please share with me, those things you’ve done or even more so, things you’ve observed others doing to make this world just a bit brighter. 

One of my favorite quotes and one I’ve returned to many times over the years.

“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
Pierre Auguste Renoir

Note: I wrote this for those who have suffered a painful loss, recently or long ago. For
any of you lucky enough not to have had this experience, please read this in order to
understand and help family and friends who must deal with the holidays without a
cherished loved one.

This time of year is a time of ambiguity for me. The celebration of wonderful holidays in
which families and friends come together, yet for me also the time of year when I lost my
most precious of life partners. For the past seven years I have both embraced the pain of
loss and worked to let it pass. The good news is, it does pass – for the most part. There
are always those days when the missing, the longing and the pain reappear. However, if
we have also worked to let the pain pass and, most important, worked hard to focus on
the beauty, these moments are not so often, so difficult or so long.

In being true to my passion, it is with conscious choice that I do both of the above.
Contrary to many beliefs, it is ok to feel the pain. This is not so much difficult as it is
uncomfortable, especially when the rest of the world seems to think we should be ok. If
you have experiences a loss, I encourage you to allow the pain, to be true to your feelings
whatever they are. But, the important choice is to not allow the painful feelings
overwhelm you or take total control. Don’t forget to move on to remembering the beauty.

Remember, any relationship that can result in such pain in its end, must have had so
much beauty in its existence.

Cherish that beauty.

Find your gifts and use them. For me, it has been the gift of confidence and courage. To have had someone love and belief in me, unconditionally, is too precious to be allowed to allow it to be swallowed up by grief.

It is in this believe and love that I find my passion, my goal of sharing with others. Also,
to take steps into this world that I would not have done in the past; starting my own
business, making new friends, taking risks and living life to its fullest today with respect
for both the past and the future.

Some suggestions that have worked for me (and some others that have courageously
shared with me)

· Develop some new traditions but don’t forsake the ones you shared with your loved
one completely.
· Spend some quiet moments remembering the wonders of past holidays.
· Find a special way to honor your loved one. For me, it’s having my favorite photo
part of my holiday decorations and carefully hanging some favorite ornaments. I also
make at least one donation in his name, specifically for the holiday.

Most important, you must remember you are a work in progress.

Healing is not an event,it is a process.

Each of us has our own process and need not be rushed or feel guilty for
not being where we or others think we should. As long as you are making clear choices
on how you handle your feelings and clearly making efforts to focus on the beauty, the
grief will dissipate on its own, in its (and your) own pace.

Be kind to yourself!

You deserve it!

Apparently someone you love who has passed certainly thought so!

I have a very strange cat.

He likes to be in the same room with me, at all times. Sometimes, while he is napping away, I leave the room. When he wakes and finds himself alone, does he come find me? I don’t live in a large home, so it wouldn’t have to go far but NO! Rather, he stands in the empty room and yowls. If you know Siamese or Balinese cats, you know they don’t meow, they YOWL! I imagine him looking around trying to figure out what happened and where I went.

He will yowl until I call him from another room and then he comes running, seemingly very relieved to find me. I have no idea how long he yowls if I’ve actually left the house.

How can we relate to this?

How many times have we been caught snoozing while the rest of the world moves on? Or perhaps, we’re just so comfortable where we are, we don’t realize that there’s not much there anymore; that those things that once worked for or made us happy have changed or simply disappeared. It happens to everyone, from time to time. Too often, we sit there trying to figure out why we’re not as successful as we want to be or why we’re not as happy as we’d like to be. This can be in business or in our personal life. We stay at jobs too long. Sometimes, we stay in friendships or relationships too long.

We do our own version of yowling.

We either find too much comfort in the known or we tend to over analyze the problem. We look around and simply wonder where everything went and how that happened. We look at that closed door some one shut on us because we didn’t move fast enough and we yowl at the unfairness. What we don’t do is look around for other doors that may have opened. If we stay this way too long, some of these doors, that may have brought happiness or success may also close on us, as well, while we’re not looking.

Unlike my cat, we can have some significant consequences from standing there and not moving out of our current comfort zone. We need to explore our options. Of course, one option is to do nothing and let fate take over but this would not be the essence of being the leader in of our own lives. Rather..

We do have choices and those choices can have a great impact on what happens next in our lives. We need to get moving and get solution focused. Do we want to catch up with the pack that you believe left us behind? Or, might we find a different direction that will work even better for us. I picture, when my cat can’t find me, he will find the dog (yes, they get along) and find his comfort there.

What ever the choice we decide upon, it does mean we need to get out of that comfort zone that no longer works for us. We need to step out into the unknown and see what’s there.

Without that, we might as well just sit there and YOWL!

Here are some ideas to get you started.

• Face your fears. But do it in small steps
• Do the thing you dislike first! Get it out of the way.
• Try something new. You don’t have to do it again if you don’t like it but you just never know.
• Make a new friend. It’s amazing what you might learn from them.
• Get help. Having a coach – formal or informal can be a great support as well as someone who holds you accountable for your own goals.
• Educate yourself about the various choices you may have.
• Find your passion – if you love what you’re doing, you will do it with more energy.

This is a statement that I’ve been hearing often, lately. It’s not really a new idea and is similar to others I’ve hear frequently such as,

What is done is done
It’s who I am
It’s just the way it is
I am who I am

These statements connote that the truth is simply that… the truth. “It is what it is” allows us to align ourselves with the reality of a particular situation: “might as well acknowledge that it’s raining and deal with it; it is what it is.”

Yes, some things are what they are and cannot be changed and some things simply aren’t worth the effort to change. Certainly we can’t change what has already happened.  We can’t change other people.

Yet, “It is what it is” seems in many ways to have become an overused lazy way of explaining nothing, or avoiding a discussion or, avoiding finding a solution.  It often explains nothing but rather seems like a apathetic shrug when one doesn’t know what else to say. “It is what it is” sounds a lot like one of those empty responses we give (or get) when one party in a conversation is uninterested in actually talking about the subject.  In this way, it can actually come across as quite rude. I know, I’ve experienced it this way.

More importantly – “It is what it is” seems to have become an excuse not an explanation! It denotes an attitude of apathy, hopelessness and limited motivation to make changes in those things that are not what they can be.

So, now I ask: Maybe in some situations, “It is what it is” but, in most situations, does it have to be? Do we have to accept things as they are?  Gosh, I hope not! How many things in this world would not be what they are today, if people simply accepted everything as they were? Women would not have gotten the vote, when they did, if women like Susan B Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton took the attitude of “It is what it is.”.  Black people would have been sitting in the back of the bus a lot longer if Rosa Parks, took the attitude of “It is what it is.” I could go on for quite some time of major things that are better today because someone didn’t settle for “It is what it is.”

But, you say, I haven’t come across anything so important.  Well, it can be important in everyday life.  Let me give you an example.  My brother lives in the Caribbean and works as a bar tender.  Due to the tourist industry, he doesn’t make a great deal of money in the summer.  Living, here in Saratoga Springs, where we are in the height of tourist season in the summer, I suggested he come here to work for those months. Now let me preface this by saying I absolutely love my brother and he has many great traits.  However, his willingness to accept things as they are, at least in my eyes, is not one of them. He did come to visit and he did put in several applications. That’s where it stopped.  When I reminded him that each place likely received dozens of applications and he might want to follow up, he was resistant and actually said well. “It is what it is.” So, while we had a nice visit, he stayed several weeks and went home without making the money he’d hoped to because, after all, “It is what it is.”. Yes, he actually said this to me, as he was leaving and I said it was too bad he hand’t been able to make money while here.

I’ve seen people not ask for something they need or want due to the assumption that “It is what it is.”.  For example, no one gets a raise around here – ‘It is what it is.”  Most recently, the one I here most is “It’s the bad economy – It is what it is.”.  Instead of asking oneself, what can I do to make more money or manage the money I have, there is an attitude of apathy.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes, at least for the moment, there’s not a lot one can do to change a situation and some situations either can’t be changed or, more often, simply aren’t worth the effort.  This is an individual decision. What might be important to me is not necessarily important to you.  Perhaps, getting a job and making money wasn’t as important to my brother, as I thought or as it would have been for me.

My challenge to you is to look at those things in life that you simply accept with “It is what it is.”  You don’t like your job. Are you, at least, looking for another or are you just settling with “It is what it is” – at least I have one.” Your relationship is faltering. Are you doing something about it or taking the “It is what it is.” attitude? You don’t like the way the government is run.  Do you vote? Do you stay informed? Can you do more?  Or, is it just what it is?

I for one, don’t like to feel that powerless.  I like to ask the tough questions and explore what I can do about it – what ever the “It” is.  Then, and only then, can I decide if it’s worth the effort to make changes or to simply accept that “it is what it is.”

NO! Just Say it! That’s it NO! It really is a complete sentence!

Why is it that, with all that we know and all that we talk about, so many still have trouble saying no to others? What are we afraid of?  Will a good friend like us less if we say no now and then?  Will a boss for whom we do a good (maybe even great) job on a daily basis loose faith in us if we take care of ourselves (or our families) every so often? It seems to be much deeper than that.  Most of us have the logic to see the above as unrealistic.  Yet, we say yes when we don’t want to.  We put our own needs after other’s. We try to do more than we can do well and still stay sane. The only person we seem to say no to is, ourselves.  I have to admit, even though I coach others and I write about it, I still find myself saying yes when I mean no.  I just like to think I do it a lot less than I used to.

I’m not saying that there aren’t times when we put a friend ahead of ourselves, if they’re in need.  I’m not saying we never do a favor or don’t put in that extra time on the job, when needed. I’m not suggesting we all become a bunch of selfish individuals. I’m just saying we need to know when to say when!

Even when we do say no, we get uncomfortable.  We think we need to give elaborate explanations. Why? This is especially interesting when we are saying no to someone who imposes themselves on our lives.  Tonight I received still another call soliciting donations.  In the past, I have given to them when I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Recently, I decided to limit my donations to a small number of organizations that mean something to me.  The person on the other side of the phone had difficulty taking no for an answer.  “Are you aware of how much each donation means.”, etc. I finally said exactly what this article’s title says:” NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE! I don’t owe you an explanation!” For once, I didn’t feel guilty.  I felt good about sticking to a decision I had made with some serious thought.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say no to my daughter and I’m fairly sure I’ll rarely say no to my grand daughters.  But, now, I know I can say no when I want or need to.  Or I can say yes!  It’s my choice!

––––––––––––

If you still need some help saying NO (it does take practice) or, if you choose to give an explanation -  I share the following:

20 Ways To Say No
By Ramona Creel

I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS

let people know when you have accepted other responsibilities
no need to make excuses if you don’t have any free time
no one will fault you for having already filled your plate

I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT

you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues
the people involved, the type of work, the morale implications, etc.
this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation

I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES

you aren’t saying that you will never help out again
just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like now
understanding your limits is a talent to be expected

I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB

if you don’t feel that you have adequate skills, that’s okay
it’s better to admit your limitations up front
the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road

I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK

life isn’t about drudgery — if you don’t enjoy it, why do it?
don’t be afraid to let someone know you just don’t want to
someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don’t

I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN MY CALENDAR

be honest if your schedule is filled
“filled” doesn’t have to mean really filled
know when you are scheduled as much as you are willing and stop

I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG PROJECTS

let people know that you want to do a good job for them
but you can’t when your focus is too divided or splintered
you will be more effective if you focus on one project at a time

I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT

it doesn’t matter what the commitment is
it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family
you don’t have to justify — you simply aren’t available

I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT

volunteering shouldn’t mean learning an entirely new set of skills
suggest that they find someone who has experience in that area
offer to help out with something that you already know how to do

I KNOW YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB YOURSELF

people often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities
let them know that you have confidence they will succeed
you are actually doing them a favor in the long run

I NEED TO FOCUS MORE ON MY PERSONAL LIFE

don’t be ashamed of wanting to spend time with your family
having a strong family is an important priority in and of itself
be willing to put your personal needs first

I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW

often, you have to focus your energies on a work-related task
you may have to give up some civic or community duties
if you don’t do it, someone else will take on the task

I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF

it’s okay to be selfish — in a good way!
treat your personal time like any other appointment
block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life

I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB

know when you aren’t going to be able to deliver a quality product
the reason doesn’t matter — not enough time, wrong skills, etc.
whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down

I WOULD RATHER HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK

saying no doesn’t mean that you can’t help at all
if someone asks you to do something you really despise, refuse
then offer to help with something you find more enjoyable

LET ME HOOK YOU UP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN DO IT

if you aren’t available to help out, offer another qualified resource
helping to connect people is a valuable service to offer
make sure the person you refer will represent you well

NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER

if you really want to help but don’t have time, say so
offer to help at a later time or date
if they can’t wait for you, they’ll find someone else

SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT NEED MY ATTENTION

unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off
accept that you may need to make a few adjustments
it is temporary and you will have more time when life stabilizes

THIS REALLY IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT

it’s okay to admit your limitations
knowing what you can handle and what you can’t is a skill
your time will be more efficiently spent on something you do well

NO!

sometimes it’s okay to just say no!
just say it in a way that expresses respect and courtesy
leave the door open for good relations


”Ramona Creel is a modern Renaissance woman and guru of simplicity — traveling the country as a full-time RVer, sharing her story of radically downsizing, and inspiring others to regain control of their own lives. As a Professional Organizer and Accountability Coach, Ramona will help you create the time and space to focus on your true priorities — clearing away the clutter other obstacles and standing in the way of that life you’ve always wanted to be living. As a Professional Photographer, Ramona captures powerful images of places and people as she travels. And as a travel writer, social commentator, and blogger, she shares her experiences and insights about the world as we know it. You can see all these sides of Ramona — read her articles, browse through her photographs, and even hire her to help get your life in order — at www.RamonaCreel.com. And be sure to follow her on Twitter and on Facebook

Content provided by OnlineOrganizing.com — offering “a world of organizing solutions!” Visit www.onlineorganizing.com for organizing products, free tips, a speakers bureau, get a referral for a Professional Organizer near you, or get some help starting and running your own organizing business.